message to cats.

Hello cats. Thank you for visiting my website. I wish I knew how to make animated gifs so I could entertain you. All I can do, really, is write the word “yarn.” Which I have done for you above.

What City Should You Actually Live In?

Just because you weren't born somewhere doesn't mean you shouldn't live there! Although, please do the right thing and adjust for gentrification. "Just because you weren't born somewhere doesn't mean you shouldn't live there" is something that mostly privileged white people get to say. OK? Cool! Now take this quiz and enjoy your privilege!

 

How do you take your coffee?

  • A: I generally make it myself, at my house, the way I like it. Like an adult.
  • B: COFFEE IS EXPENSIVE. I hate that about coffee. What an annoying quality. Sometimes I take coffee from the free coffee station at banks.
  • C: Honestly, I don't really do coffee. I make tea from herbs from the ground that I self-harvest. 
  • D: I take my coffee out on a date.

What's your jam?

  • A: Raspberry.
  • B: JAM IS EXPENSIVE. I hate that about jam. What an annoying quality. Sometimes I steal jam from the counters at the coffee shops where I don't get any coffee because I can't afford it. I'm depressed.
  • C: I like to listen to the music of my heart. 
  • D: "Party Rock Anthem."

What could you eat forever?

  • A: There is no single food I could eat forever. I like lots of varieties of foods, and I understand that you need them in order to stay healthy.
  • B: My mom's macaroni and cheese. I really, really miss my mom. Sometimes she wires me money, and that's the best thing about my life right now. Seriously, life is the worst. I'm crying. I can't stop crying. MOOMMM!
  • C: Plants from the earth; or fish I caught with my hands. I'm basically on the paleo diet already. I find it easy.
  • D: HUMAN FLESH.

What do you look for in a mate?

  • A: Open communication, lovingness, and a sense of trust and honesty.
  • B: YOU ARE STRESSING ME OUT. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE IDEA OF HAVING A MATE RIGHT NOW. THERE IS WAY TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE.
  • C: I am open to having lots of sex with lots of different people.
  • D: Mate rhymes with Kate. I love Legos!

How do you exercise?

  • A: I mix things like running and walking with things like climbing and push-ups so that I can healthily build strength and endurance. 
  • B: Who has time for exercise!? I AM TOO BUSY STEALING COFFEE AND JAM. EVERYTHING IS BLEAK. I AM HAVING A NERVOUS BREAK-DOWN. I WANT TO CLIMB INTO A BED IN A HOUSE WITH A WORKING HEATER. I JUST WANT TO WASH MY HAIR, OK!?!
  • C: Exploring the vast, enigmatic earth by foot, bicycle, or mule. 
  • D: (Blows bubbles.)

You should live...

Mostly A's: Wherever you currently live.

You seem like a really healthy person with a healthy lifestyle. Chances are you have chosen a city to live in that works for you. Good job! 

Mostly B's: Nearer to your parents.

Maybe you went to college, and that was fun, and then you moved to a city, and you struggled to find a job, and you still drank like you were in college, and now you are broke and really, really sad. That's OK. Sometimes that happens. But if you can, you should probably move back in with your parents for a little while, just until you can find a job (or something like that) and a regular therapist. No one is going to judge you for that. 

Mostly C's: Elsewhere.

Look at you! You're so open-minded and nomadic! You know what? You should go do some activist work somewhere. Help out on an organic farm or re-build a bridge or something. Go have adventures and be rootless! Not everyone is so lucky as to be so free-spirited. Get out there! Go! 

Mostly D's: Space.

You are an alien who speaks English. Please go back to space. You confuse me, and it's scary that you eat human flesh.

The Scary Piece

Going On Dates