Fyodor Dostoyevsky Pitches Television Pilots To Cartoon Network

Title: "Adventure Time and Its Inevitable Existential Consequences"

Logline: This show will focus on the existential crises and inner anguishes of Finnikov, a childlike adult man who plots many violent and reckless adventures (primarily murder) just to see if he has the ability to feel anything. Episodes will shift perspectives between Finnikov and his dog, Jakeovich, who may be a figment of Finnikov’s imagination.

Seven sample episodes:

1. After much intervention from Jakeovich, Finnikov murders an elderly Candy Queen with an axe. He also murders the Candy Queen’s sister, Lady Gumball, mostly out of panic. When they are murdered, the women crumble into delicious piles of actual candy. Finnikov and Jakeovich eat them.

2. This is an entire episode about Finnikov’s anguish about the murder.

3. This is another entire episode about Finnikov’s anguish about the murder, but this time from Jakeovich’s perspective.

4. Finnikov meets Impoverished Space Maiden, who is essentially a hooker with a heart of gold. (Trying to think of a way to make this more appropriate for children. Open to [Christian] suggestions.)

5. This is another entire episode about Finnikov’s anguish about the murder, but now from the perspective of Impoverished Space Princess.

6. Finnikov meets a detective named Sloppy Chestnut Kitten Detective, who becomes suspicious of Finnikov’s obvious anguish. There is a subplot about Jakeovich learning how to juggle kittens in this one. Sloppy Chestnut Kitten Detective remains completely oblivious of Jakeovich’s presence, thus heightening the possibility that Jakeovich could be a fabrication of Finnikov’s psyche.

7. Finnikov eats a plethora of pancakes. This is meant to be “silly” and “for children.” But also, the pancakes represent the passing of innocence and the onslaught of brutal cognitive and cerebral transition to realism. Impoverished Space Maiden convinces Finnikov to confess to the murder from episode one. He does, after a burping joke.

Title: "Idiot Universe"

Logline: This is a show about a naive and childlike adult man named Stevekin Universe, who has been sent from a sanitarium in outer space to live with beautiful women (also from outer space), with whom he becomes irrevocably but somewhat innocently obsessed. The women are supposed to protect all humankind from evil, but Stevekin (as previously stated) is unbelievably, woefully obsessed with them. His fragile self-concept coupled with unadulterated infatuation often disrupt the very fabric of time. 

Seven sample episodes:

(1. - 7.) Stevekin becomes irrevocably but somewhat innocently obsessed with a tragic figure of a woman, and the universe nearly crumbles because of it.

Title: "The Teen Titans Karamozov "

Logline: This is a show about several childlike adult men (“teens”) who are faced with issues of free will, religion, nihilism, morality, and insanity as they live together without adult supervision, in the unflinching eyes of the Lord. At night, they fight crime. However, the crime-fighting is not a part of this show. Rather, the show focuses on the seemingly mundane underbelly of the very nature of humanity: the humiliating absurdity of human contradiction, and the pitiful falsification of the impotent and boundlessly shriveled Euclidean mind of man. Also, video games and pizza.

Seven episodes:

I do not feel as though seven episode summaries would fully capture the breadth of what I am trying to do here. I would like this show to consist of twelve individual seasons, each with complex emotional, philosophical, and psychological themes that would necessarily build on a developing strata of ideas from previous seasons. I’d be willing to discuss some of these ideas in person with a studio agent, but am really looking for the kind of no-strings-attached, “trust me — this is going to be huge” kind of deal Kevin Spacey got with “House of Cards.”